August 2017: “I love you.” I waited for the echo from the other end of the phone that I knew wasn’t coming. A low buzz rang through my ear as the quiet became much too long to be accepted as a normal pulse. The unsettling silence suspended us in a place without time– until I couldn’t take it anymore... “Do you still love me?” I could feel the accelerating beat throughout me. My head, my chest, my feet– pulsating with so much force I could hear the thumping. My mind’s eye started to follow the blood as it circled through my body, like it was running around a track, increasing its speed with every completed loop. Waiting. For an answer. “Do you love me?!” This time demanding an answer... but still none came. Heat rushed to my cheeks as my vision became blurry. Soon twin streams ran from my eyes to my chin. I couldn’t see anymore. I was alone, begging to no one in an empty hallway. All I wanted was one word “yes” but even “no” would be better that this... “I don’t know” And the world came to a standstill. My mind went blank. But only for a second and then all the thoughts rushed back to my head at once– HowCanHeNotKnow?DidHeEverLoveMe? IDon’tNeedHimAnyway.INeedHim - I love him - But he doesn’t love me. I felt the last stitches start to give. I wanted to say something but there were no words to speak. I wish I hadn’t said anything. I only showed him the power he still held over me. I pulled the phone away from my ear with regret. Stared at the name at the top, remembering what that name had once meant. and ended the call, cutting the final thread.
This is the story of the last time I said “I love you” to my (now ex) boyfriend. It was a few days after we had broken up after a two year relationship.This vignette should be read in conjunction with “The First Time I Said ‘I Love You’.” Written and revised 2017-2019.
Life Is Just A Blur 